Darkness
 

Darkness cries and pulls me in and there I see her face.
From tortured eyes stream reddened tears that spread like bloody lace.
Her cloudy fingers strangle light, she beckons with her screams.
I slowly step into her gloom and suddenly it seems
all effort in my motion desists like in a trance.
I reach to her, she takes my hand to start her lonely dance.
Her grip is warm but icy and there is no need for strength.
I don't move but still I dance she breaths my every breath.
Her cloaks, her cloaks, her blessed cloaks, they ripple into black.
I accept her perfect dark; there is no turning back.
It floods my mind and captivates my every living thought;
her bitter darkness, precious blood her eyes so iron wrought.
Utter terror seems as peace, her bitter face relief.
She wails her horror at the light. I hear in disbelief.
There's nothing else now, only her. Her cloaks burst into flame.
They're flames of darkness scathing heat as them, there's none the same,
darker than the deepest black. The fire began to rise.
The flames licked upwards reaching out to touch my staring eyes.
I clutched at her, her hands were gone she stood in front of me.
The flames licked up around her and she screamed her victory.
Her creature rose above my head and singed my inner soul.
I heard her laugh, I saw her tears then I was there alone.
Her demon stayed to burn my heart it's hunger couldn't sate,
and i am left in living hell to burn in bitter hate.

Adembenemend mooi, ik voel de hitte.

Wel heftig inderdaad, maar sommige stukken lopen niet: I slowly step into her gloom and suddenly it seems
all effort in my motion desists like in a trance.

Misschien moet je het in strofen verdelen, of iets anders, maar zo vind ik het te chaotisch.
gr,

http://forum.scholieren.com/redface.gif
jah het loopt idd. nie sow lekker

http://forum.scholieren.com/eek.gif

damn van begin tot einde geboeid...

http://forum.scholieren.com/redface.gif http://forum.scholieren.com/smile.gif

Damn, daz zwart http://forum.scholieren.com/eek.gif

Vindt de chaos wel sterk, daardoor valt het ook iets minder op dat niet alles perfect loopt.

Als je eenmaal een vorm aanneemt vallen afwijkingen zo hard op http://forum.scholieren.com/wink.gif

Op sommige stukken is hij minder sterk dan andere, dat vind ik jammer

maar de stukken die sterk zijn ... http://forum.scholieren.com/icons/icon14.gif

http://forum.scholieren.com/eek.gif..

Echt heel erg mooi.
Maar misschien moet je em idd in strofen ossow verdelen.
t Ritme is wel goed.