Scholieren.com forum - Last thoughts....

najah veel plezier met lezen :) wil wel graag weten wa jullie er van vinden :)

I lay here
Monitors beeping loudly
Droneing on like they are important
The sheets which feel like sand paper on my skin
Lay perfectly over useless legs
My head raised only slightly by a flat pillow
I know the head of the bed goes up
But my arms are encased in immobile castes and can not reach
Stupid button
The nurses come and go
By my room door
They come in every once in awhile
But put me in a room of my own
Isolation
So I can rest
And be forgotten
My head is itchy
Under the layers of bloodied bandages
Only a minor annoyance
It is the pain in my side which bothers me the most
Consuming pain
The drugs can't relieve
Only distance me from it
Yet still it lashes out and strikes at me
Like a whip whose reach never lessens
Only gets longer.
My mind plays back the acciedent
The music that beat out so loudly
I screamed the words of Creed into the empty air
How I hated you
Seeing you touching her
God I hated her too
But I shaked her hand nicely
Not breaking it as my rage demanded me too
I thanked her for ruining my life
And showing me how worthless he was
And told her she was welcome to my left overs
But personally I think she might get the same taste of food poisoning
I walked away
He was so angry
I will always savor the look on her face
Such fear, then shock
He was livid though
Screaming after me
What a bitch I was
That one day he hoped I would figure it out
That he wished I would up and die
Instead of ruining his life
I never looked back
Some people may call it shock
Some may say I was really a bitch
So cold to his needs
I say I didn't want to have that last image of them together
Him mad
Yet his arm protectivly placed around his little simpering blonde
Her scared and strying to be brave and supportive
The perfect picture of enraged injustice
No I don't need to see that image again
It is already imprinted in my mind from my imagination
Everyone in this town is stupid anyways
They hate me cause I don't listen to them whine all the time
So I got into my new tracker
I cranked my new upgraded sterio
Screaming my pain, frustraution, fear and freedom
For all of town to hear
Tears started pouring down my face somewhere between
The third song
I closed my eyes
Forgetting I was driving.......

The doctor walks in
He looks at the girl in the bed
She lays so still
Like a sleeping beauty
His heart quickens
Is she already dead?
He steps closer
Her cold eyes open
Staring right at him
Somewhere deep in his soul he shivers
Never seeing such a dead look before
Let alone in one so young
Hating himself for what he must tell her
Trying to understand what makes her look so still
So.......
He clears his throat
Unsure what to say
How to word this
If only she would stop looking at him like that
Like she can scar his soul forever
That her fate is his fault
Maybe it is
He is a doctor
He is suppose to save lives.....
I'm sorry.....there is too much damage
Stumbling over his words
Like he was asking his first girl out all over again
Like some stupid virgin 14 year old
She closes her eyes
Flicking them open to stare at the ceiling
Releaved at the release of his soul
He continues on
You have ruptured so many organs
We can't get transplants fast enough for you
There is so much internal bleeding
You.......you are going to die.......
Silence
Doesn't this girl talk
No responce
Nothing
After waiting a few moments
Is there anything I can get you?
Still nothing
Finally he makes an excuse about having other clients
And to push the call bell if I need anything
Like I can reach it......

I laugh somewhere in me as I hear him stumble out of the room
Tripping over himself in his haste to leave....
He told me nothing I didn't already know...

I open my eyes again
Remembering that I am in control of a very fast vechical
I see the child running from across the otherside of the highway
Chasing a big bubble
I remember it glinting in the sunlight
So shiny
Magical
I am captured up in its simple beauty
Watching it float lightly on the wind towards my tracker
My Tracker
I snap my eyes to the child
Fear registers in her eyes
As she stands just about directly infront of my vehical
Frozen in fear
I swerve
Tires leaving their mark on the pavement
Bitting into the dirt
Pulling me away from her
Into the cement barrier
My tracker crumples
Metal mangling my legs
Stabbing into my stomache
Cutting air from my lings
I look over into my rear veiw mirror
I see the girl
Still standing there
Screaming
But standing
I fall off the 300 ft cliff
I didn't hit her
Was my last thought as I hit the bottom...

I woke up here
Apparently a few hours later
Yet I will still die
Looks like he will get his wish after all
He wanted me dead
I wonder if he will feel guilty or not?
If he will hate himself
Blame her for tempting him?
Part of me wants this to ruin his life
To haunt him forever
To lash out and strike at him
Until he is just as scarred and mangled as my legs are
Until he is just as bloody as my body is
Until......
But part of me wishes him happiness
I did love him
I know that
And I was a bitch to him
Only seeing my own needs
I see that I never let him protect me
He needs that
She gives him that
That feeling of being needed
I never needed anyone..
They always left me when I did
Now I push them away first
I hope he will be happy now
Truely happy
One tear falls
My breathing getting labored
The machines start beeping faster now
Nurses come running in
Placing oxygen on me
Not to save me
They know they can't
But to help alivate discomfort of the passing
They are talking to me
But I can't hear what they are saying...
Part of me is glad to die
I never killed that little girl
I hope she forgets what she seen
That it won't scar her
I am glad to be set free
To be released from my own driving hell and thoughts
My own torment....
Breathing hurts so much now
My vision starts to fade
Fear shows in my eyes
The nurse holds my hand
Smiling sadly
She looks like an angel under the rooms light
I don't want to die..
I never had kids
I never told him I was sorry
I never....
I never lived for me
I never did anything I wanted too
Only what everyone else wanted
Or thought I should do
I.......I now will never have the chance........
I'm sorry...so sorry to everyone I hurt..
I.....I'm scared....
I'm so scar.....

The life fades from the eyes
Coldness now permently finding a home there
The nurse gently shuts the pain in forever
Sparing everyone from witnessing it
She was so cold
Not wanting help until it was too late
The nurse wipes away a tear
Saddened by this loss of life
The lost chance at healing...
She leaves the room to call the coronor
No knowing of any family alive to phone
It will be a silent funeral for this lost soul.....
The nurse makes a mental note to attend the funeral
At least one person will send a restful prayer for her
One person knows the fear and regret that she went through
May God have mercy on her soul.....