motivatie brief

[smoothy_bro]

hallo,
Ik ben achille, en ik zit momenteel in het 1e jaar aan de universiteit, Vu. De studie die ik nu doe, bevalt me niet zo goed, en ik wou van studie switchen. om aan te melden voor nieuw studie, IBA (International business administration) moet ik een motivatie brief sturen. Deze heb ik geschreven. Kan iemand me helpen checken of het wel goed engels is geschreven:


Why IBA?

Searching for the appropriate programme of University has not been easy. At the time, I was searching for a programme of the University, one of my choices has been IBA, what I read a lot about, but I was not convinced, what the programme was really about. Thus I chose Artificial Intelligence that I am currently attending. It was until I visited an orientation day of IBA, last year (24th November 2006) that gave me a complete picture of what IBA is about. Now that I understood what IBA was, I was convinced I was going to apply for it. I have a wild range of interest in business and particulary on a global scale. This programme seems to me, to be exciting and challenging as it requires problem solving on a global level, compared to other programmes such as BA, and thus offers me a higher added value to my international development experience. This is one of the key factors why I chose IBA. Furthermore, with my high familarity of the English and Dutch language, in addition with my technical skills I gained in Secondary school, I consider myself to be suitable for this programme.

After my studies, I would like to start as a consultant or as an analyst. In the long run, I am planning to start my own business company.

WHY VU?

As a student at Vu, I find Vu a very good and organised University. The guidance from teachers is well performed.

Another reason why I prefere Vu, is because of it's location. Vu is surrounded by big companies such as ABN AMRO, WTC, AKZOL NOBEL (new) which provide good enveroment to study IBA.

[Briseïs]

High familarity of the English language? Jongen je Engels is verschrikkelijk, weet je zeker dat je zo'n studie wilt gaan doen? Ik wil je fouten er wel uithalen, maar eigenlijk loopt het hele stuk niet goed, dus veel beter zal het er niet op worden.

Why IBA?

Searching for the appropriate programme of University (dat kan niet) has not been easy. At the time (which time?), I was searching for a programme at (al is het geen programme natuurlijk, een studie is heel iets anders) the University, one of my choices was IBA, what I read a lot about (kan ook niet, sowieso is het which en niet what, maar je kunt beter een hele nieuwe zin beginnen) but I was not convinced, what the programme was really about (convinced kun je hier beter niet gebruiken, dat is meer overtuigd zijn van een mening oid, die komma moet weg en ook really about klinkt niet goed). Thus I chose Artificial Intelligence that I am currently attending (sowieso moet het which zijn ipv that, maar je kunt attending niet gebruiken bij een studie in deze zin, wel school of een les ofzo, dan is studying of doing nog beter, al klinkt dat misschien weer een beetje knullig). It was until I visited an orientation day of IBA, last year (24th November 2006) that gave me a complete picture of what IBA is about (deze hele zin klopt niet. Beter is iets als 'It was not until last year, after I visited an orientation day of IBA, that I had a complete picture of what IBA is exactly about')). Now that I understood what IBA was, I was convinced I was going to apply for it(loopt ook niet lekker). I have a wild (zou ik niet in een officiële brief gebruiken, doe dan broad ofzo, al weet ik niet of je het sowieso wel zo kunt gebruiken) range of interest in business and particulary business on a global scale. This programme seems very exciting and challenging to me, as it requires problem solving on a global level, compared to (wat wil je ermee vergelijken? deze zin is niet compleet) other programmes such as BA, and thus it will offer me a higher added value to my international development experience. This is one of the key factors why I chose IBA. Furthermore, with my high familarity of the English and Dutch language, in addition with the technical skills I gained in Secondary school, I consider myself to be suitable for this programme.

After my studies, I would like to start as a consultant or as an analyst. In the long run, I would like to start my own business company.

WHY VU?

As a student at Vu (is het niet the VU?), I find Vu a very good and organised University. The guidance from teachers is well performed (volgens mij kan guidance en perform niet echt samen).

Another reason why I prefere Vu, is because of it's location. Vu is surrounded by big companies such as ABN AMRO, WTC, AKZOL NOBEL (new) which provide agood enveroment to study IBA.

[Barry K]

Allereerst zou ik je willen adviseren om je brief anders op te bouwen. Het is de bedoeling dat je een motivatiebrief schrijft, doe dit dan ook!
Schrijf hoogstens in 2 regels dat je eerst de verkeerde keuze hebt gemaakt en vertel daarna uitgebreid wat je zo trekt in IBA. Waarom zou deze keuze wel goed zijn?

Indien je dit wel zo wilt houden dan zou ik dat stukje betreffende dat je erg familiar bent met de engelse taal maar achterwege laten want je zinnen lopen ronduit stug en zijn vaak niet correct.

Het is trouwens: familiarity (staat zo dom in de zin waarin je suggereert dat je wel goed engels kan).

Succes ermee,

Why IBA?

Searching for the appropriate programme of University (Wat bedoel je hier precies? studie?) has not been easy. At the time, I was searching for a programme of the University (idem dito), one of my choices has been(options was) IBA, what I read a lot about(About which I had read a lot), but I was not convinced, what the programme was really about. (Zin korter maken) Thus(weglaten) I chose Artificial Intelligence that(which) I am currently attending. It was until I visited an orientation day of IBA, last year (24th November 2006) that gave me a complete picture of what IBA is about.(Ik zou andere volgorde kiezen: November, orientation day, giving me....) Now that I understood what IBA was, I was convinced I was going to apply for it.(Even toevoegen dat je dus overstapt) I have a wild range of interest in business(Wild range of interests, and interested in business?) and particulary on a global scale. This programme seems to me, to be exciting(Seems to be exciting to me) and challenging as it requires problem solving on a global level, compared(Compared? WAt vergelijk je hier? to other programmes such as BA, and thus offers me a higher added value to my international development experience.(Deze hele zin even herschrijven) This is one of the key factors why I chose IBA. Furthermore, with my high familarity of the English ( ) and Dutch language, in addition with my technical skills I gained in Secondary school, I consider myself to be suitable for this programme.

After my studies, I would like to start as a consultant or as an analyst. In the long run, I am planning to start my own business company.

WHY VU?

As a student at Vu, I find Vu(to be) a very good and organised University. The guidance from teachers is well performed.

Another reason why I prefere Vu, is because of it's location. Vu is surrounded by big companies such as ABN AMRO, WTC, AKZOL NOBEL (new) which provide good enveroment to study IBA.

Heb even wat dingen erbij gezet, voornamelijk grammaticale fouten/zinscontructie. Overigens niet alles er uit gehaald, kijk eerst maar wat je met de huidige dingen doet. Er zitten ook nog een paar kleine spel/typfouten in.

Ben zelf niet echt goed in motivatiebrieven schrijven, maar lettend op bovenstaande post zou ik gewoon even de hele brief herschrijven, kijken of de inhoud een beetje klopt en dan pas op spelling/grammatica gaan letten.

edit 2: Oh, er zat nog een post voor. =) Negeer deze post maar lekker dan.

[Briseïs]

Barry K schreef op 23-01-2007 @ 00:31 :
Het is trouwens: familiarity (staat zo dom in de zin waarin je suggereert dat je wel goed engels kan).

Daar had ik zelfs nog overheen gelezen. En het is ook familiarity with, niet of.

[Barry K]

Briseïs schreef op 23-01-2007 @ 00:45 :
Daar had ik zelfs nog overheen gelezen. En het is ook familiarity with, niet of.

Ik vind het al heel wat dat je het geprobeerd heb. Pluim

[Joyceb]

Oftewel, probeer een nieuwe brief te schrijven.. En zoek voordat je daarmee begint een succesvol voorbeeld!

[Ndimension]

Het is trouwens "Akzo Nobel" niet "Akzol Nobel"

[smoothy_bro]

Ik wil jullie allemaal bedanken voor jullie reacties. Ik heb heel veel van geleerd, en heb mijn brief dan ook totaal veranderd. Graag zou ik jullie willen vragen, wat jullie van mijn verbeterd brief vinden. Dit is de hele brief, zoals ik van plan ben om het te sturen.
alvast bedankt.

de brief:

About me

My name is Achille Cyubahiro. I am 21 years old and live in Amsterdam. My hobbies are: movies, playing poker, partying (disco), reading books, Internet, fitness and swimming. I am currently a Dutch citizen but my roots are in Rwanda. I was born in Rwanda and left there with my family after the civil war started in 1994. I was then 8 years old and we moved to our neighbouring country, D.R Congo (used to be Zaire). We stayed a year there, where I attended primary school (lessons are taught in French). After one year in 1995, we moved again to a neighbouring country of Congo, Zambia. In Zambia we lived there for 4 years. During that time I continued primary school (where lessons were taught in English) till grade 6 (grade 7 is the highest level), that’s when I came to the Netherlands in 1999. I have been living in the Netherlands up to now. During my stay in the Netherlands, I went to an international school, where Dutch is taught to international students. After 2 years, I went to a regular Dutch school at a Vwo-level and with the profile: nature and technique, where I obtained my Vwo-diploma 4 years later. I am currently studying Artificial Intelligence at the VU University. Unfortunately this study turned out, not to meet my expectations.

Why IBA?

Even though I completed secondary school within a technique profile, I have always been fascinated by the business world. Thus realizing that my current study (Artificial Intelligence) did not meet my expectations, I have decided to take a different direction, heading to this fascinating business world, trying to explore it. What fascinates me the most is the accelerating globalisation of the markets. It seems to me that, in ten years there will be countless opportunities for young, motivated, and high-qualified managers able to understand the suitable mechanisms and take advantage of this enormous still increasing international trade. This is an opportunity for the new generation I would not like to miss. I believe that by choosing the IBA program, I am doing the first step in the right direction. Furthermore I expect the IBA program will open for me the doors of the international business world by equipping me with the essential tools to succeed in it.
My commitment, dedication and willingness to learn combined with my mathematical skills I gained in secondary school together with my sufficient knowledge of English, makes me feel suitable to study the IBA program.
As you have read about me, I was raised in an international environment. My career expectations are therefore entirely on the international field. I have always aimed at a position in a company that would allow me to develop an international career and thus be able to work with and learn from different cultures. In the long run, I am planning to start my own business company.

Why VU?

As a student at VU, I find VU a very good and organised University with a very high standard education. The coordinators are very helpful in answering questions, and guiding you in the right direction to achieve what you want.
Another reason why I choose VU is because of its location: VU is surrounded by big companies such as ABN AMRO, WTC, AKZO NOBEL (new), which provide good environment to study in.

[Mara]

Het kan aan mij liggen, maar ik heb zelden een brief gezien die er zo uitzag.

[kiss_the_sky]

Ik zou die kopjes weghalen, dat lijkt mij nogal ongebruikelijk. En ik zou in mijn hobbies playing poker en partying weghalen, dat komt vaak niet zo tof over.

Ik vind het best een goede brief, qua inhoud dan. Als je nu eens inderdaad de kopjes weghaald, en de alineas goed op elkaar laat aansluiten (en hem laat nakijken eventueel, kweet niet of er fouten in zitten of niet), is ie best goed.

[Poepkind]

ik zag al wat foutjes staan qua engels, is er niemand in je omgeving die ze eruit kan halen?