Hulp nodig met formele brief Engels

[Bubbeldoosje]

Ik heb dinsdag 24 maart een toets waarbij we een formele brief Engels moeten schrijven. Dit is voor 6 vwo. Nu ben ik een beetje aan het oefenen met oefenbrieven, maar volgens mij zitten er nog best wat fouten in. Kan iemand deze brief a.u.b. voor me nakijken? Ook zou ik het graag horen als er iets mankeert aan de opmaak van de brief. Alvast bedankt

Prinsengracht 1
1000 AA Amsterdam
The Netherlands

Letters Editor
Social Security
13 Old Mews
Oxford
Oxfordshire
England
NE2 317

3 May 2008

Dear Letters Editor,

Referring to the article ‘Identification, a citizen’s moral and legal duty’ in Social Security number 4 of 2008, which I read with a lot of pleasure, I would like to express my own opinion about the subject ‘strict and legal identification duty’.

Firstly I would like to mention some pro-arguments, which agrees with a strict and legal identification duty. Firstly it is good to search for dangerous people like terrorists and drug dealers before they implement their plans. This is a way to stop them before it is too late. It will also help to catch illegal people without an identity. If the police will ask for peoples identity in a preventive way, they have a bigger chance to catch a lot of illegal people.

Secondly I would like to mention some counter-arguments against a strict and legal identification duty. Firstly it is in contrary with our privacy, we can not do anything private anymore without being controlled by the police or the government. Secondly it will raise the number of crimes, illegal people will search for a fake passport sooner than without a legal identification duty.

In my opinion a legal identification duty has good and bad consequences. I find it wrong to rob a lot of peoples privacy. Nowadays you can not make a phone call anymore without being watched by the police or the government. You can not say what you want anymore. On the other side a legal identification duty has also good consequences. Terrorists can be searched a lot easier and drug dealers can be caught before they implement their plans.

I completely understand that Social Security is not able to publish all letters they receive. In case you do want to publish my letter, I give you my permission to do it. On the condition that only my name will be shown, not my address and my living place please.

I am looking forward to hearing from you.

Yours sincerely

………..

Miss Debby Prinsen

+ Encl.

[Geel]

Ik heb je brief even snel doorgelezen en heb een paar dingen opgemerkt. Je gebruikt, naar mijn mening, iets te vaak 'firstly' en 'secondly'. In plaats van 'firstly' zou je ook 'to begin with' of 'to start with' kunnen gebruiken.
En in plaats van 'secondly' zou je 'also' in de zin kunnen stoppen.

Ik heb zo even geen spellings of grammatica fouten kunnen ontdekken .

[mathfreak]

*ik geef hieronder de tekst met de nodige correcties weer*
Prinsengracht 1
1000 AA Amsterdam
The Netherlands


Social Security
Attn: Letters Editor *vergelijk dit met het Nederlandse ter attentie van*
13 Old Mews
Oxford
Oxfordshire
England
NE2 317

3 May 2008

Dear Sir, Madam,

Referring to the article ‘Identification, a citizen’s moral and legal duty’ in Social Security number 4 of 2008, which I read with a lot of pleasure, I would like to express my own opinion about the subject ‘strict and legal identification duty’.

Firstly I would like to mention some pro-arguments, which agree with a strict and legal identification duty.
*pro-arguments is meervoud, dus je moet agree gebruiken*
Firstly it is good to search for dangerous people like terrorists and drug dealers before they implement their plans. This is a way to stop them before it is too late. It will also help to catch illegal people without an identity. If the police ask for peoples identity in a preventive way, they will have a bigger chance to catch a lot of illegal people.

Secondly I would like to mention some counter-arguments against a strict and legal identification duty. Firstly it is in contradiction with our privacy, we cannot do anything private anymore without being controlled by the police or the government. Secondly it will raise the number of crimes, illegal people will search for a fake passport sooner than they would without a legal identification duty.

In my opinion a legal identification duty has good and bad consequences. I think it is wrong to rob a lot of people's privacy. Nowadays you cannot make a phone call anymore without being watched by the police or the government. You cannot say what you want anymore. On the other hand a legal identification duty also has good consequences. Terrorists can be searched for a lot more easily and drug dealers can be caught before they implement their plans.

I completely understand that Social Security is not able to publish all the letters they receive. In case you do want to publish my letter, I give you my permission to do so. On condition that only my name will be shown, not my address and my residence please.

I am looking forward to hearing from you.

Yours sincerely

………..

Miss Debby Prinsen

+ Encl.

[June bug]

Nog een paar kleine dingetjes:
If the police asks (geen would/will in een if-clause) for people's ('s om bezit aan te geven) identity in a preventive way, they would (hier mag 'would' wel omdat het niet meer dezelfde clause is) have a bigger chance to catch a lot of illegal people.

illegal people will search for a fake passport sooner than they would (vind ik mooier staan, meer een stijl-iets dus) without a legal identification duty.

I think it is (in deze context moet je 'to think' als vertaling van 'vinden' gebruiken) wrong to rob a lot of people's (peoples zijn mensen van verschillende rassen, dat bedoel je hier niet. De bezitsvorm van people is people's) privacy.

On the other hand a legal identification duty also has (woordvolgorde) good consequences.

Terrorists can be searched for a lot more easily (easy moet een bijwoord zijn want het slaat terug op het werkwoord to search for, dus easily)

I completely understand that Social Security is not able to publish all the (hier moet 'the' tussen) letters they receive.

En ik zou nog even naar die laatste 2 zinnen kijken want die komen niet echt formeel over met dat please er zo los achter. Het is volgens mij trouwens ook 'under the condition' ipv 'on the condition', maar hier ben ik niet helemaal zeker van.

[Bubbeldoosje]

Heel erg bedankt voor jullie verbeteringen, daar heb ik zeker wat aan

June bug schreef:

Nog een paar kleine dingetjes:
If the police asks (geen would/will in een if-clause)

The police ask

[mathfreak]

Ik heb de correcties van June bug in mijn vorige reply opgenomen. On condition is de enige correctie die ik er zelf nog heb bijgezet.