FreeZzze's Gedichten

[FreeZzze]

Ik schrijf al een tijdje gedichten en ik wil weten wat mensen er van vinden... En ik wil ook graag kritiek zodat ik weet wat ik fout doe!!! Alvast thanx

Near the edge

I feel insecure,
only devils surround me.
I feel so unsure.
Is it the endless ground I see?

Standing near the edge, I hope I won't fall.
I hope the wind won't blow me away.
If it does I hope there will be a protecting wall.
A little luck is what I need today.
God please save my soul.

Send me an angel to rescue me,
and I'll love you for eternity.
Send me an angel to set me free.
'Cause all I feel is the suffocating gravity.

[Doodle!]

Hey Freeze! je weet wat ik van je gedichten vind he
Deze vind ik goed! Je taal gebruik is niet te ingewikkeld en voor veel mensen te begrijpen, ga zo door! (Doe je toch wel )

[what may come]

Hey Freeze,

Ik vindt je tweede alinea niet zo sterk als je laatste, dit komt mede doordat ik vindt dat alles heel gedwongen rijmt.
Het lijkt net alsof je bent gaan zitten met de gedachte van: ' zo, nu ga ik even een gedicht schrijven, en het MOET rijmen'.

Bovendien vind ik de herhaling van 'I hope' niet zo mooi, Let erop dat je niet te vaak een herhaling gebruikt, dat doe je in dit gedicht zeker drie keer.

Probeer wat gecompliceerder taalgebruik in je gedicht in te passen.Niet dat dit altijd een vooruitgang is, maar ik denk in dit geval wel.De laatste alinea vindt ik de sterkste van alle drie.

Ik geef je zo'n uitgebreid commentaar omdat je dat vroeg, en niet omdat ik je wil afzeiken, of omdat ik mezelf zo geweldig vindt.

Greets,

Mik

[FreeZzze]

Bedankt what may come!!! Ik hbe lekker zelf om kritiek gevraagd dusse !!! Hier is weer een nieuwe en mensen geef asljeblieft kritiek!

Written in my eye

Every step you've taken is a little bit closer to me.
Still you'll pass me by.
Every time my heart is taking over me.
Still I funk to fray your heart 'cause I am too shy.

Hooked on your shape.
I've been trying to unlink but there's no escape.
I always see you no matter what I try.
It's like your name is written in my eye.

Every smile you've given is some more special.
It's what I've always been hoping for.
It was only for a while, like it has never been there before.
Still I can't forget, I guess it means that you're it all.

Hooked on your shape.
I've been trying to unlink but there's no escape.
I always see you no matter what I try.
It's like your name is written in my eye.

Every time you're not around.
I feel like an Angel lost in her wings.
Every time I think I have found,
the most important thing life brings.

[FreeZzze]

Time in motion

Raindrops, falling through the air, will clatter.
Hearts, shaking by the destructing power of love, will shatter.
My life, passing by the time, will cease to matter.

Time in motion.
Water still flows, to the ocean.
The way I want it ain't the way it goes.

The unknown is so appealing so I left the old behind.
I forgot and now I try to remember every single day of my life.
Although every feeling in my mind,
says I can't handle this endless strife.

Time in motion,
makes me shed a tear.
No emotion is safe locked in here.

Falling raindrops soften my skin and slowly dissappear.
Moving by the time, moving by the thing I fear.
Hearts will break and heal slowly.
By the time we will realize it's not meant to be.
My life's going, on and on, but I can't do anything at all.
Time is invincible.

[Doodle!]

Die laatste is zo in z'n geheel heel goed

[FreeZzze]

Whahah bedankt Jeffrey!

We never got enough

Sitting near a tree, trying to ease my mind.
Trying to think about nothing and leave the real world behind.
Water cannot fall any lower while birds are flying high.
Flowers cannot show me more colours, nothing bleuer than this sky.

We never got enough.
Things can always be better.
Making more and more money together.
Slowly forgetting to love.

Peace for the people, people all equal.
Though nature ain't on our list.
Cutting woods, taking our breath away.
While we are all messing with god's gift,
I know it will be gone some day.

We never got enough.
There's always more to get.
We will get off,
before it's over, before it's set.

I'll be sitting near a death tree, livin' on a pill.
Water won't fall though birds will.
I'll force my mind to change it all into a good day.
Flowers and the sky will turn out grey.

[Kip187]

zing ze
je hebt een goede fijne boodschap in veel van je gedichten
en ze meestal erg goed, lange zinnen die mooi spreken.
Als gedicht specifiek vind ik het niet bijster bijzonder, in vorm en inhoud, hoewel je af en toe erg sterke dingen zegt. Op een manier die wel apart te noemen is.

ik geef een algemeen commentaar omdat het anders zo'n karwei wordt

verder ben ik he ook met het commentaar van what may come eens.


Time in motion vind ik het beste, "respect" zullen we maar zeggen

je boodschap is wederom mooi en "je bent niet alleen" zullen we ook maar zeggen.

[FreeZzze]

Ik weet dat het meer op songteksten lijkt enzow... Enne ik kan jammergenoeg niet zingen... Thanx voor je reactie Kip187!!!!!

Pretty princess

Lonely safe locked in her tower,
She would never get a friend.
Pretty princess is crying every hour.
She knows she's just living in wonderland.

Always hiding here face for the outside.
The castle is her protecting field since,
Pretty princess believes there ain't a lovely prince.
She keeps drowning inside.

She doesn't want to leave the castle.
It may be unsafe.
Pretty princess keeps feeling miserable.
After all the advise I gave.

Tears are dripping off the wall.
Love's messing with her heart.
A tower or a waterfall?
Love's tearing pretty princess apart.

There are many paths to Rome.
She doesn't want to know.
Pretty princess doesn't want to leave or go.
She will always be alone.

[FreeZzze]

Sacrifice my soul

A life I've been fallen into.
Pressure is getting stronger everyday.
The sun never shines when I want to.
The wind doesn't guide me, but she's forcing me all the way.

I wish I could sacrifice it all.
Every single hurting part of my life.
I wish I knew if there's more than only this.
But she doesn't want me to survive.
Shall I sacrifice my soul?

Everytime I feel something's falling from the air.
I try to deny but then I feel it on my skin.
Raindrops try to get under, they give me despair.
I try not to cry, but I can't take away the sorrow within.

I wish I could sacrifice it all.
Every single hurting part of my life.
I wish I knew if there's more than only this.
But she doesn't want me to survive.
Shall I sacrifice my soul?

Every minute I hear her voice,
she tries to turn me on again.
The fact I was born ain't my choice.
Why'd I only be happy after the end?

No more depression when the sun doesn't shine.
I don't want to cry no longer.
When others think they'll get stronger.
Nobody will change the decision of mine.
I'll give it all.
I sacrifice my soul.

[FreeZzze]

Zilt bloed

Mijn voeten laten natte sporen achter aan de kant.
Niet of nauwelijks, te verdragen,
De dingen die mijn ogen zagen.
Langzaam klim ik hoger, klevend aan het zand.

Druppels zoeken de weg naar beneden of verdampen snel in de lucht.
Beetje bij beetje, begin ik te geloven dat ik het ga halen,
maar dat vergeet ik na elke diepe zucht.
Water lijkt steeds hoger te komen, zou ik dan toch falen?

Natte sporen, rood geworden, geen mens te vinden om mij heen.
Golven springen en laten water stortend met de wind mee gaan.
Zout prikt bijtend aan mijn been.
Het is met me gedaan.

[Doodle!]

FreeZzze schreef op 19-04-2004 @ 19:28 :
Zilt bloed

Mijn voeten laten natte sporen achter aan de kant.
Niet of nauwelijks, te verdragen,
De dingen die mijn ogen zagen.
Langzaam klim ik hoger, klevend aan het zand.

Druppels zoeken de weg naar beneden of verdampen snel in de lucht.
Beetje bij beetje, begin ik te geloven dat ik het ga halen,
maar dat vergeet ik na elke diepe zucht.
Water lijkt steeds hoger te komen, zou ik dan toch falen?

Natte sporen, rood geworden, geen mens te vinden om mij heen.
Golven springen en laten water stortend met de wind mee gaan.
Zout prikt bijtend aan mijn been.
Het is met me gedaan.

Als jij me nog één keer zegt dat je niet kan dichten in 't nederlands dan doe ik je wat jongen . Deze vind ik heel erg mooi.

Jeffrey.

[FreeZzze]

Her perfect world

I know somebody who's living in a perfect world.
The fairy tale lost it's meaning so she began to change.
She could have remained the same nevertheless she's swallow up by a unfortunate circumstance.
Still believing that she'll find her way, I wish I could help that poor girl.

There's no perfect world.
It won't come to you.
'Cause nothing is perfect and perfect ain't nothing more.

I can only dream when I'm asleep.
Though, she can't cope with her own dreams,
and forgot that not everything's as it seems.
She has been falling into deep.

There's no perfect world.
Fairytales won't come true.
'Cause it's the real life you ignore.

Why are you fighting what you see when it's not the way you want it to be?
Throw away the fairy tale, it's just a story to not let you stop this life.
Dream your dreams when you're asleep and everything will be alright.

[FreeZzze]

A million halls

Everybody's finding their way through this house with a million halls.
Every look on them is an expression of despise.
I'm just something to see stumble and fall,
in their eyes.

What were you waiting for?
You stopped walking when my eye caught yours.

Everytime I see you again, a miracle is born.
I never see you every now and then,
'cause I always have to get through this crowdy storm,

I always pass you by but I was thinking of you.
I wonder if you were thinking about me too.

Everybody's finding their way through this house with a million halls.
Every look on their face makes me wonder where it's all going to.
I'm just something to see stumble and fall,
Only one person seems to care about me, that person is you.

[Marjo***Rome!!!]

you say you love me
you say you care

but do you know
what's really there?


I don't know
what lies beneath

those blue and
mistic eyes

but I feel, so strong
so pure,

your heart

and mine's a pair

[Marjo***Rome!!!]

how much do I hate you
right now
right here

so bad
so badly I hate you
right now
right here


all love - or what it used to be
has just evaporated

right in front of me
you stand
but I see no more

your face
turns red
I feel

no more the pain
not the hurt

it causes
to my self
I say

stop
right here
right now

[Marjo***Rome!!!]

your hitting
it doesn't hurt
your words
miss their mark,
miss their goal
you aren't you
and if you are
I'm not yours


if my tears
can make you happy
your hits won't make me cry
if my hurt
makes you laugh
you abbandonning me
will make me full of joy

so goodbye, if you like,
don't want to see me now?
I'll waith 'till you regret and
I'll see you...,

...when you're death

[Doodle!]

Ehhmmm..lieve schat. het hele nut van een topic per persoon is juist dat die persoon alleen er in post. En dan ga jij hier over gedichten neer plaatsen Verwijder je ze zelf of moet er een modje aan te pas komen ?