It's not what I expected...

[AnTaRTiCa]

It happened so fast
The news of your death
How fast the cancer spread
Quicker then all the blood tests
You were gone before anyone knew what to say
One day you were ok
The next you were gone
I never had a chance to say goodbye

I expected to feel angry
At how unfair it all was

I expected to feel sad
At all the time we lost

I expected to feel the pressure of tears
Which I could never let fall

I expected to feel your loss sharply
To notice your presence missing

I didn't expect to feel so empty
Mind clear of all thoughts
Silence unnatural to my ears
Zoning in and out of time and space
Time slipping like grains of sand
Which cling to my feet

I didn't expect to feel so dead
The unreal feeling
No desire to do anything
Never getting enough deathful sleep
No desire to dance
Was music playing
Logic there but distant
Eyes not quite seeing all which is around

Is it shock?
Maybe, I don't know
I expected emotions
Not to behave so cold
People ask if I have cried
Is that why I am so pale
I shake my head no
No tears try to fall
No pressure at them building up at all
Pale I didn't realize I was
Maybe it's cause I sit so still now
That I don't need the rapid movement of my blood.

I feel ashamed that I do not care more
That the passing of your soul seems to not touch me at all
There is relief in that shame
Because at least I feel something real...
But it still feels al wrong
I'm sorry that I have disgraced your memory so much..