[verhaal] cookie dough (or: a guy and a girl)

[.krz]

Heb vandaag mijn pen maar weer eens ter hand genomen. Heb het voor het eerst aangedurfd om iets te schrijven en ben er niet echt tevreden over. Moet er weer een beetje inkomen. Dus heb alstublieft genade...



cookie dough (or: a guy and a girl)

A guy and a girl. They sit silently together. The guy with his feet in the water, his trousers-legs turned up. The girl in lotus pose, with the ice pint on her tummy. Cookie dough, the only interest they have in common. They spoon it up further.
The guy wants to say something, opens his mouth, but changes his mind. They don’t know and will never get to know each other.

The camp-site shop had ran out of cookie dough. They had had every other flavor, except the best one. How stupid. He hadn’t wanted any flavor but his one, so he cantankerously had wanted to leave the shop. then he had spotted that one last pint in the corner of his eye. They had both gripped it at the same time. Her soft hand on his, a thing to remember, as if they were made for each other. But he had wanted his ice, not some stupid girl.
He had intended to be a jerk, had intended to grab the pint out of her hands. She was first.
‘Well, I guess we have to share it’ Her smile had weakened him, had made him ashamed of himself. He had paid. Outside they had taken place on the pier. The guy with his feet in the water, his trousers-legs turned up. The girl in lotus pose, with the ice pint on her tummy.

A guy and a girl. They sit silently together. He sees their reflection in the water. He imagines. They would probably look cute as a couple. Yeah, the people would think
they are a couple. He wouldn’t blame them as they’re both eating ice out of one pint. Madly in love. They’re almost feeding each other. They couldn’t be just two strangers with equal love for that particular flavor of ice. No, that would be ridiculous.

A guy and a girl and an almost empty pint of cookie dough. She has the last bite on her spoon. He follows it as it goes slowly to her mouth. Then she changes her mind and brings the spoon towards him. Surprised he opens his mouth.
‘For you.’ She pauses as he eats the last bit. ‘Next time it will be on me.’ She stands up and walks down the pier. He stays behind. Confused, with the ice pint on his lap. Next time? He also stands up, walks down the pier and throws the pint in the dustbin at the and. Next time the girl would be more important than some stupid ice.

Waarom schrijf je in het Engels? Het komt op mij nogal houterig over, allemaal. Ik vond je begeleidende, Nederlandse, woorden dan beter.

LUH-3417

[.krz]

LUH-3417 schreef op 20-01-2004 @ 19:23:
Waarom schrijf je in het Engels? Het komt op mij nogal houterig over, allemaal. Ik vond je begeleidende, Nederlandse, woorden dan beter.

LUH-3417

Hmm, dat is duidelijk.
Had het eerst in het nederlands geschreven, maar dat was echt bagger. Omdat ik echt tijden niet meer geschreven heb, zit ik weer in de ik-weet-wat-ik-wil-maar-krijg-het-niet-op-papier-fase. Dus toen bedacht ik me, misschien is het Engels beter. Maar dat het echt zo houterig is, had ik zelf niet door. Zal er eens naar kijken, misschien post ik een verbeterde nederlandse versie nog wel.

[.boris]

Ik vind het engels wel meevallen(het leest niet altijd even soepel), en ik vind het wel een leuk verhaal eigenlijk. Ik denk dat het in het Nederlands eerder minder wordt...

Ok, als afwisseling kan ik het goed begrijpen. Als je zo 'op slot' zit, kan het inderdaad nuttig zijn om eens heel iets anders te proberen.

Ik vond het in ieder geval houterig omdat er erg vaak 'had' achter elkaar gebruikte in het begin. Misschien let ik er teveel op, maar ik geloof dat het Engels toch ook wel zonder dat kan.

LUH-3417

[Pyriet]

Geen engelstalige verhalen voor niet-natives.

[Young Grow Old]

de 2e alinea is inderdaad niet echt mooi engels. te vergelijken met een nederlands verhaal waar steeds en toen, en toen en toen.. in staat.
Verder vind ik het wel een leuk stukje. Ben erg liefhebber van steeds dezelfde zin aan het begin van een alinea.

[.krz]

Young Grow Old schreef op 21-01-2004 @ 15:14:
de 2e alinea is inderdaad niet echt mooi engels. te vergelijken met een nederlands verhaal waar steeds en toen, en toen en toen.. in staat.

Heb kritiek meegenomen en wat dingen verandert. vooral kleine dingetjes, maar de 2e alinea heb ik nu niet meer in de past perfect gezet. Dus dat 'had' is nu weg. Is het een verbetering? En klopt het qua tijd nog, omdat de 2e alinea voor de eerste komt?

COOKIE DOUGH [versie 2]

A guy and a girl. They sit silently together. The guy with his feet in the water, his trousers-legs turned up. The girl in lotus pose, with the ice pint on her tummy, cookie dough; the only interest they have in common. They spoon it up further.
The guy wants to say something, opens his mouth, but changes his mind. They don’t know and will never get to know each other.

The camp-site shop ran out of cookie dough. They had every other flavor, except the best one. How stupid. He doesn't want any flavor but his. He is cantankerously leaving the shop when, in the corner of his eye, he spots that one last pint. They both grip it at the same time. Her soft hand on his, a thing to remember, as if they are made for each other. But he wants his ice, not some girl.
He intends to be a jerk, intends to grab the pint out of her hands. She’s first.
‘Well, I guess we have to share it then’ Her smile weakens him, makes him feel ashamed. He pays and outside they take place at the pier. The guy with his feet in the water, his trousers-legs turned up. The girl in lotus pose, with the ice pint on her tummy.

A guy and a girl. They sit silently together. He sees their reflection in the water. He imagines. They would look cute as a couple. Yeah, the people would probably think
they are a couple. He wouldn’t blame them as they’re both eating ice out of the same pint. Madly in love. They’re almost feeding each other. They can’t be just two strangers with equal love for that particular flavor of ice. No, that would be ridiculous.

A guy and a girl and an almost empty pint of cookie dough. She’s got the last bite on her spoon. He follows it as it goes slowly to her mouth. Then she changes her mind and brings the spoon towards him. Surprised he opens his mouth.
‘For you.’ She pauses as he eats. ‘Next time it’s on me.’ She stands up and walks down the pier. He stays behind. Confused, with the ice pint on his lap. Next time? He also gets up, walks over the pier and throws the pint in the dustbin at the and. Next time a girl will be more important than some ice.

[.boris]

Het is iig beter geworden, engels is nog beter en die tweede alinea eerst is ook wel een vooruitgang vind ik.