17-03-2005, 18:12 | ||
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en ik vind het cliché, maar het clichéë wordt teniet gedaan door de vaagheid en zo, dus maak je daar maar niet druk om. |
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17-03-2005, 18:48 | ||
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17-03-2005, 18:51 | |||
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Het is niet de bedoeling dat filmscripts - of überhaupt een tekst - rottig te lezen zou moeten zijn, het is de bedoeling dat filmscripts overduidelijk zijn. Deze is dat niet. Bovendien mis ik de subtekst. En omdat het geheel niet geloofwaardig gebracht wordt komt het cliché over. Natuurlijk, alles is cliché, alles is al een keer gedaan, daar geef ik je helemaal gelijk in. Maar dat zou geen beperking moeten zijn om een originele twist aan je verhaal te geven. Dit is echt een drama met teveel drama. Citaat:
En verder dacht ik dat het niet door de TS, maar door een vriend van hem geschreven was? |
17-03-2005, 19:23 | ||
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__________________
Veel lopen, langzaam water drinken.
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17-03-2005, 20:00 | ||
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17-03-2005, 20:50 | ||
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Laatst gewijzigd op 17-03-2005 om 21:20. |
17-03-2005, 20:51 | ||
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17-03-2005, 20:54 | ||
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17-03-2005, 20:55 | ||
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17-03-2005, 20:57 | ||
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Laatst gewijzigd op 17-03-2005 om 21:20. |
17-03-2005, 20:59 | ||
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Naja, ik vind het nog altijd wel een grappig stukje, al behoeft het wel een erg goede regisseur voor een goede uitwerking. Dit laatste om even ontopic te blijven.
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"DAS WAR EIN BEFEHL!"
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17-03-2005, 21:00 | ||
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17-03-2005, 21:06 | ||
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Blijf eens on topic |
17-03-2005, 21:06 | ||
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En je vader is gelukkig getrouwd met je moeder, stel je voor dat hij niet met haar was getrouwd, gelukkig maar. XD Ohja, ontopic: Ik zou de spelfoutjes er eerst even uithalen. |
17-03-2005, 21:08 | ||
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17-03-2005, 21:09 | ||
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17-03-2005, 21:10 | ||
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17-03-2005, 21:11 | ||
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__________________
"DAS WAR EIN BEFEHL!"
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17-03-2005, 21:18 | ||
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ik had het verhaal geschreven |
17-03-2005, 21:21 | ||
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het leven kent ook foutjes, waarom de verhalen niet |
17-03-2005, 21:22 | ||
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17-03-2005, 21:42 | ||
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Wil je dat je verhaal leeft, moet het verre van perfect zijn. Spelling is er allleen voor om je verhaal 'kwaliteit' te geven |
17-03-2005, 21:46 | ||
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17-03-2005, 21:49 | ||
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17-03-2005, 21:50 | ||
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17-03-2005, 21:51 | ||
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17-03-2005, 21:52 | ||
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__________________
L'art pour L'art. Gaat heen en schrijf!
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17-03-2005, 21:57 | ||
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17-03-2005, 22:05 | ||
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__________________
"DAS WAR EIN BEFEHL!"
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18-03-2005, 06:12 | ||
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18-03-2005, 11:39 | ||
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@Myuki: ik vind het zusje zieliger. |
18-03-2005, 11:40 | ||
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Immortal Technique - Dance With the Devil Lyrics [Verse 1] I once knew a nigga whose real name was William his primary concern, was making a million being the illest hustler, that the world ever seen he used to f**k moviestars and sniff coke in his dreams a corrupted young mind, at the age of thirteen nigga never had a father and his mom was a feen she put the pipe down, but forever yeah she was sober her sons heart simultaneously grew colder he started hanging out selling bags in the projects checking the young chicks, looking for hit and run prospects he was fascinated by material objects but he understood money never bought respect he build a reputation cuz he could hustle and steal but got locked once it didn't hessitate to squeal so criminals he chilled with didn't think he was real you see me and niggaz like this have never been equal I dont project my insurecurity's at other people he feeded for props like addicts with pipes and needles so he felt he had to proof to everyone he was evil a fever minded young man with infinite potetial the product of a ghetto ... capatalistic mental coincidentally dropped out of school to sell weed dancing with the devil, smoked until his eyes would bleed but he was sick of selling trees and gave in to his greed [Hook] Everyone trying to be trife never face the consequences you propably only did a month for minor offences ask a nigga doing life if he had another chance but then again there's always the wicked at new and advanced dance forever with the devil on a code cell block but thats what happens when you rape, murder and sell rock devils used to be gods, angels that fell from the top there's no diversity because we're burning in the melting pot [Verse 2] So Billy started robbing niggaz, anything he could do he'd get his respect back, in the eyes of his crew starting fights over little shit, up on the block stepped up to selling mothers and brothers the crack rock working overtime for making money for the crack spot hit the jackpot and wanted to move up to cocaine for filling the scarface fantasy stuck in his brain tired of the block niggaz treating him the same he wanted to be major like the cut throats and the thugs but when he tried to step to 'em, niggaz showed him no love they told him any motherf**king coward can sell drugs any bitch nigga with a gun, can bust slugs any nigga with a red shirt can front like a blood even Puffy smoked the motherf**ker up in a club but only a real thug can stab someone till they die standing in front of them, starring straight into their eyes Billy realized that these men were well guarded and they wanted to test him, before business started suggested raping a bitch to proof he was cold hearted so now he had a choice between going back to his life or making money with made men, up in the cife his dreams about cars and ice, made him agree a hardcore nigga is all he ever wanted to be and so he met them friday night at a quarter to three [Hook] [Verse 3] They drove around the projects slow while it was raining smoking blunts, drinking and joking for entertainment untill they saw a woman on the street walking alone three in the morning, coming back from work, on her way home and so they quietly got out the car and followed her walking through the projects, the darkness swallowed her they wrapped her shirt around her head and knocked her onto the floor this is it kid now you got your chance to be raw so Billy oaked her up and grapped the chick by the hair and dragged her into a lobby that had nobody there she struggled hard but they forced her to go up the stairs they got to the roof and then held her down on the ground screaming shut the f**k up and stop moving around the shirt covered her face, but she screamed the clouts so Billy stomped on the bitch, until he broken her jaw the dirty bastards knew exactly what they were doing they kicked her until they cracked her ribs and she stopped moving blood leaking through the corpse, she cried silently and then they all proceeded to rape her violently Billy was meant to go first, but he ????? turn ripping her up, and choking her until her throat burned a broken jaw mumbled for god but they weren't concerned when they were done and she was lying bloody, broken and broos one of them niggaz pulled out a brand new twenty-two they told him that she was a witness of what she'd gone through and if he killed her he was guaranteed a spot in the crew he thought about it for a minute, she was practicly dead and so he leaned over and put the gun right to her head (Sample from 'Survival of the Fittest' by Mobb Deep) I'm falling and I can't turn back I'm falling and I can't turn back [Verse 4] Right before he pulled the trigger, and ended her life he thought about the cold pain with the platinum and ice and he felt strong standing along with his new brothers cocked the gat to her head, and pulled back the shirt cover but what he saw made him start the cringine studder cuz he was starring into the eyes of his own mother she looked back at him and cried, cuz he had forsaken her she cried more painfully, than when they were raping her his whole world stopped, he couldn't even contiplate his corruption had succesfully changed his fate and he remembered how his mom used to come home late working hard for nothing, cuz now what was he worth he turned away from the woman that had once given him birth and crying out to the sky cuz he was lonely and scared but only the devil responded, cuz god wasn't there and right then he knew what it was to be empty and cold and so he jumped off the roof and died with no soul they say death take you to a better place but I doubt it after that they killed his mother, and never spoke about it and listen cuz the story that I'm telling is true cuz I was there with Billy Jacobs and I raped his mom to and now the devil follows me everywhere that I go infact I'm sure he's standing among one of you at my shows and every street cypher listening to little thugs flowe he could be standing right next to you, and you wouldn't know the devil grows inside the hearts of the selvish and wicked white, brown, yellow and black colored is not restricted you have a self destructive destiny when your inflicted and you'll be one of gods children and fell from the top there's no diversity because we're burning in the melting pot so when the devil wants to dance with you, you better say never because the dance with the devil might last you forever |
18-03-2005, 14:02 | ||
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18-03-2005, 14:49 | ||
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Dat geeft maar aan hoe origineel je bent.
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Nou, dan spelen we toch geen levensweg.
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18-03-2005, 15:02 | ||
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18-03-2005, 15:05 | ||
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Wil je echte kritiek? Je probeert de aandacht te trekken met een gewelddadig onderwerp maar beschrijft dit zo onhandig en ongenuanceerd dat het helemaal niet overkomt. Verder leest het gewoon niet lekker, nee. Ga nog wat oefenen met je vriendje, zou ik zo zeggen.
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Nou, dan spelen we toch geen levensweg.
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