[Verhaal] Nouwjah, een stukje dan...

[Tio]

Een verhaal waar ik voor de vakantie aan begonnen ben. In het Engels. Het telt nu 26 bladzijdes (Times New Roman 12), maar ik moet de opmaak nog verbeteren. Alles is gewoon een lap tekst, wat het lezen hier en daar nogal onoverzichtelijk kan maken.

(Stukkie uit hoofdstuk 2)

“Sir, the transport from Soryss IV is requesting permission to dock.”
“Thank you cadet, permission is granted,” replied commander Tex Erdon to the cadet who’d brought him the message. “Initiate routine scanning procedures and open a channel with the transport,” he continued, “give me captain Dana Triton on screen please.”
“Affirmative sir,” said one of the lieutenants that were present in the command center,” we’re initiating scans on the transport. A communication link will be established with the transport on an encrypted channel in 2 seconds…1..on screen.”
“Good afternoon Tex, “said Dana Triton, who’d appeared on the screen. Shall we start with the normal docking procedures?”
“You’ve to wait until we’re finished scanning before we’ll let you through our shields. And…” he broke off his sentence when he read the message from the scanning deck that had appeared on his personal console. He read it again, carefully and then started talking again to Dana Triton: “Dana, you’re carrying an unknown molecular substance. You’re not allowed to enter our shields unless you give an explanation.”
“Yes, I was just getting to that,” answered Dana, “our scientists on Soryss IV have found some unknown, but interesting life forms. They think they can study them better on the Tasman then on our base on Soryss IV. Those life forms are confined to the to a special transport deck on the ship.”
“I see, you’re authorized to pass the shields as soon as we’ll change to the right frequency,” said Tex, “I’ll sent some mechanics to the Docking Facility to prepare things for your arrival. I’ll break contact now, we can talk further in the command center here when you’ve arrived.”
“Agreed,” said Dana, “Dana out.”
When the channel had been closed, Tex leaned back in his chair. The operation would be a standard one, so he could leave it to his subordinates. On a holographic picture of the space station, he saw the transport vessel passing the shields and moving to the Docking Facility. Suddenly, a red light flashed on his console, which meant there was an urgent message for him. When he read the message, his eyes widened. After he was finished, he needed only a few seconds to think. “Damned,” he whispered, “damned.” But then he thought clearly again and he started yelling orders at his subordinates: “Engage Red Alert immediately. Scanning says the whole transport is covered with unknown life forms and there’s no report of any known race. We’ve no choice but to assume the transport ship has been overtaken by a hostile life form.”
First, his crew looked at him in disbelief, but they quickly gathered themselves and went to their battle stations immediately. But everything had happened just a fraction too late. Tex saw the transport ship had already docked the station and he could only hope his people there would survive.

--

Gerrard went to the airlock to open it. He’d always liked this part of his job, welcoming people on board the Tasman. The green light above the airlock flashed, indicating the ship on the other side of the airlock had boarded and the lock could be opened. He used the retinal scanners to identify himself and entered a password on the console next to the door of the airlock to open it. “Hello, welcome on the Tasman,” he said, “I ho….” But before he could continue a small harpoon of some sort pierced his throat. Seconds later, the alarm started to sound. The other mechanics and engineers were startled, but started to run when the few soldiers in the room shouted at them. A creature came walking through the airlock. Careful inspection would show it had once been Terran, but it had mutated horribly. Its body was green, with brown spots on it. Its whole body appeared to be covered in a biological armor. The right hand of the creature harbored a harpoon and the left hand was a claw. Between its two legs swung a tail with a spike on it, which seemed to be poisonous. Its head had two red eyes, two spikes at each side just above the ears. The spikes were connected by a transparent fleece. Its nose was nothing more but a gap above a mouth filled with sharp teeth.
Behind the first creature, a second one appeared, which fired its harpoon at the running engineers. One of them fell when she was hit by the harpoon. To the agony of the other engineers, she started to mutate into one of those creatures. Gerrard had already mutated and was crawling to his feet when one of the soldiers fired at him. But the bullets glanced off the armor of the creature that had once been Gerrard. Other soldiers began firing their rifles as well, but all none of the bullets could pierce the armor of the creature and the soldiers didn’t dare to use heavier weaponry, because they might destroy the hull of the station and the whole space station would be sucked into space. More creatures appeared and the soldiers started to withdraw when all the personnel had been evacuated. The last retreating soldier was hit by a harpoon that was stopped by his armor. However, the harpoon burst open and an acid fluid was released that destroyed his protective armor and entered his body through his skin. The soldier began to mutate, but he kept struggling forward, even while the poison already altered his DNA. Before the other soldiers closed the doors to the docking bay, one of them shot him, so he was spared of the terrible fate of becoming a mutant.

Niet de origineelste setting die er is, maarjah, het is ook maar pas de inleiding van 't eigenlijke verhaal.

[Horror Kitty]

Vind em iets te onoverzichtelijk, want hij is redelijk lang.. daardoor had ik niet echt zin om em helemaal te lezen..

[Vlooienband]

Ik heb 'em helemaal gelezen, maar ik vind het niet echt leuk.. Misschien komt dat doordat ik heel kieskeurig ben wat betreft sf boeken enzo

Inderdaad is de setting wel eens vaker voorgekomen, maar dat mag de pret niet drukken. Voor mijn part mogen er wekelijks schepen overgenomen worden door vijandige, muterende zombies vanuit de ruimte. Bij wijze van spreken.

Ik vind het dapper van je dat het hele gebeuren in het Engels neerpent. Ik neem aan dat het niet je moedertaal is en daarmee is het een extra obstakel dat je je zelf opwerpt. Het gaat je redelijk goed af (met enkele slippers als 'You’ve to wait' wat 'You'll have to wait' moet zijn), totdat de actie om de hoek komt kijken.

Later zakt de stijl als een pudding in elkaar. Je maakt klassieke fouten als; "...the alarm started to sound. The other mechanics and engineers were startled, but started..." Dat is twee keer achter elkaar 'started' en nog een broer van hen, 'startled' er vlakbij. Dat leest niet lekker.

De beschrijving van het beest is ook niet op en top. "Between its two legs swung a tail with a spike on it, which seemed to be poisonous." Niet alleen moest ik hier om lachen vanwege de misplaatse seksuele connaties, maar het lijkt me ook verdomd lastig voor de mensen aan boord om tijdens een aanval vast te stellen dat die staart daadwerkelijk giftig is.

Over het algemeen weet je een hoop goede, treffende Engelse woorden te gebruiken, maar de zinsbouw blijft achter. Ik zeg niet dat ik het beter kan, maar ik schrijf ook niet in het Engels. Misschien je het eens in je moedertaal schrijven. Vaak werkt dat beter. Hoewel ik me kan voorstellen dat je daar na 26 kantjes geen zin meer in hebt.

LUH-3417

[Tio]

Ik doe het in het Engels omdat ik het in het Engels denk. (jaja, ik doe wel moeilijk) gelukkig heb ik een lerares Engels die de grootste fouten er voor me uithaalt. Dit is ergens op blz. 8 en nu ik verder ben begin ik dit soort fouten eerder te zien en eruit te halen enzow. Ik denk dat ik 't eerste deel herschrijf als ik klaar ben, omdat ik 't dan allemaal wat beter doorheb.