[SciFi Verhaal] The Wall

[proycon]

Ik heb de grote sprong gewaagd en probeer voor het eerst in lange tijd weer eens een groot verhaal te schrijven. Het is een (engelstalig) Science Fiction verhaal met de titel "The Wall". Ik heb nu zo'n negen hoofdstukken (+- 25000 woorden) en wil het eerste hoofdstuk alvast laten zien om hopelijk wat feedback te krijgen waar ik wat mee kan

Commentaar is gewenst dus Vooral van mensen die van het SF genre houden..


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Chapter One: The Awakening
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*103 AD, Rome, Roman Empire, Earth*

A beautiful sun accomplished half of today's shift, and had reached its highest point for the day. It shed its light on Rome, covering its forums, its temples and its markets in a splendid light. The light reflected on the granite of the bathhouse Iulius was attending, he followed the rays as they reflected and illuminated the entire complex, sparkling on the water surface. He found it hard to keep his eyes open in the presence of such bright mid-day light.

His feet rested in the cold water of the bath, which gave quite a refreshing relief on this hot day. His father had brought him here today, but had soon gone off and taken place in another corner of the bathhouse, where he appeared to be engaged in a discussion with Iulius' uncle and another man he vaguely recognized as a senator. Their conversation appeared to be on quite a heavy matter, as the men were visibly moved and made a lot of heavy gestures to put force behind their words, words spoken too far away for Iulius to hear.

He didn't understand why his father had commanded him to come with him to the thermae today. He had already made plans to go hunting with one of his friends. But father made him cancel that and come with him instead, to then leave him alone peddling his feet in the water, while he himself was engaged in conversation for hours... Although the sunlight was soothing and the water quite refreshing, Iulius would much rather have gone hunting with his friend.

But Iulius wasn't the person to go against his father's wishes, his father had a strong hold on him, which he always greatly respected. It was was often convenient as well. He himself never had to worry about any issue or any responsibility, he held no plans for the future but merely did as his father told him and everything would be okay. He wouldn't know what to do without his father, he had no idea what he wanted out of life, even though he already turned seventeen today, an age where you are supposed to have plans. But life seemed rather meaningless, and Iulius realized that he couldn't just follow his father forever and that he would have to stand on his own soon.

"No Scipio, my dear friend! That would a waste of this young boy's potential!", the senator spoke to Iulius' father, both visibly emotional: "Your son is a strong lad with lots of potential, Rome has so much to offer him and he has so much to offer Rome! We have the finest of education in the entire empire here, he could make a fine future senator! Aegyptus is far away, what future could possibly lie for him there?".

Scipio Adrianus Aurelius heard the words of his friend, and although his friend was a dear friend, with only the best of interest at heart towards him and his son, and even though there was a lot of logic to his reasoning, he could not forget the commitment he made to Ianus at the time of Iulius' birth. Sunken in thought about his dilemma, he grabbed a coin and looked at Ianus as portrayed on it: two heads back to back. To him, Ianus was the most important of all the Roman Deities. With a sad face, showing traces of doubt and confusion, he replied: "But I made a promise... I have to honor it....".

The senator shook his head in disapproval and continued:
"With all due respect, I really think you have to reconsider that commitment. The Gods will surely understand that you can not send away your only son to do their bidding in such a far away land! Moreover, they didn't provide you with any details on what it is your son should do for them! You made your commitment to Ianus in a time of such hardship, you can't be expected to follow up on if it means exchanging your son's potential here in Rome for such an uncertain future!"

Scipio looked down at the pebbles on the floor, steam from the thermae rendered his ability to think more difficult. He took a gasp of air to prepare himself to reply to the Senator, but the other man present, Iulius' uncle, nodded and beat him to it: "No senator, I am inclined to follow my brother, my heart tells me that we should not ignore the will of the gods, he made a commitment to Ianus, and although the boy's future will be uncertain, I am convinced Ianus will protect him. He is after all the custodian of the universe, god of beginnings, guardian of gates and doors, lord over the first hour of every day. He will ensure the boy is alright", the bearded man took a look at his nephew from a distance, and continued: ".... Do as you promised Ianus, he's seventeen now, send him to Aegyptus..."
The senator shook his head, clearly disagreeing with the brother of his dear friend. "I wouldn't, Scipio, I know I wouldn't...", he spoke sincerely, "You are sending him on a wild quest that probably won't lead anywhere... Aegyptus can't offer him anything... Don't do it.."
"I'm sorry, and I thank you for your well-meant advice..", Scipio said while a tear ran down from his face, "But I think there's no other way but to honor my commitment. Tomorrow he will set sail to Alexandria, he will go to Aegyptus as I promised Ianus seventeen years ago.".

Iulius wondered what the three men were talking about for so long, although he already had a suspicion that he was involved in it, since his father wouldn't have asked him to come to the thermae just to sit there. Still he was peddling with his feet in the refreshing waters, and his mind wandered off to the hunting party that was not to be. His thoughts darkened when he suddenly got a creepy feeling that this was not merely a missed hunting party, but that there would be none to follow. He felt things were about to change in his life by the look on his father's face when he left his uncle and the senator. He came walking towards him, wiping a tear from his face, he hadn't ever seen his father with tears yet.

What would his father have in store for him? Other boys his age already had great plans for the future, one friend was to be a centurion soon, at such a tender age, another had made great plans to marry and settle down in the south of Latium, far from the city. Iulius himself had learned not to ponder too much about the future, he realized very well that he didn't know where to go from here, as his father always planned everything for him. He always told him not to worry about the future, which certainly contributed to him feeling so meaningless and without purpose.

His uncle also stood up, leaving the senator alone, and followed his father in his direction. His uncle had always been very involved in his life, he was like a second father to him, always ready to give good advice. But he was very much like his own father and always discouraged him from taking on dreams about the future. "Keep your head out of the clouds and your feet firm on the ground", he would always say. Iulius was very loyal to both of them, that is how he had been brought up, he wouldn't dare challenge their authority and he was utterly and ignorantly convinced they always knew best. They were both kind and generous people, from a wealthy family, highly respected in Rome. It is said even the Emperor himself holds his family in great esteem, but that might be nothing but wishful thinking. Besides the slaves at home, there were few women in Iulius' life; his mother he had never known, she died while giving birth to him. His father and uncle told him about that three years ago, his birth had been a difficult time, his mother tragically died, and he himself had little chance of survival as well, for he was born way too early. But the gods were merciful and spared him, his father and uncle always said it was the God Ianus who saved him. So needless to say, this god was held in great regard by the entire family: above the main porch of the house, leading to the atrium, there was his double-faced portrait, as was not uncommon in many other roman families, since Ianus is the gatekeeper of the house. But their house had more statues of Ianus than any ordinary house.


While Iulius was alone with his thoughts, his father sat down next to him, with a sad expression on his face, and put a hand on his knee.
"What is wrong father?", he asked timidly, not knowing how to react to the kind of sadness that was on his father's mind now.
His uncle also approached but stood still and observed from a distance. His father looked deeply troubled and spoke:
"My son, I brought you here today on your birthday, to discuss and decide your future... You are seventeen years old now, a man, not just a boy... The time has come ... And I find it very hard to do this.. but I send you to Aegyptus..."
Iulius sat with a lump in his throat upon hearing his father's words, AEGYPTUS! A far away land in the corner of the roman empire! What possibly was he to do there? This was totally unexpected! His started eyes to become watery:
"Father? Aegyptus? Why?", he asked, this surprising announcement has made his voice crack and he even felt a little betrayed by this sudden awkward decision that would make him have to leave his father and be on his own...
"My son, this is a long story....And I hardly know what lies for you in Aegyptus.. I hope I am doing the right thing, but I think this is the will of gods, the will of Ianus... let us go home now, I will explain it there, Aemilia should be there too... it is too long a story to tell here, and we need some more privacy."

The voyage home was uneventful, Iulius fired question after question at his father and uncle, but his father kept staring ahead with a sad face and saying: "Later my son.. let us get home first". It was clear his father was still absorbed in his own thoughts and had tremendous trouble with his own decision to send him to Aegyptus, but then why did he do it? The man he knew as his strong father, who always knew what to do and who seemed stronger than the gods themselves, now seemed a weak fragile man filled with uncertainty. All certainty about his life, which even though it was meaningless, was also secure, now slipped away from Iulius as well. For the first time he felt very insecure and alone.


Hours later, in the dusk of the day, Iulius, his father and his uncle were sitting in the atrium. Wine and grapes were being brought to them by their slaves. His father had regained some of his old strength again and now held up the illusion of being confident and strong. But the breach had been made and Iulius still felt insecure, as he neurotically wobbled around his feet.
"Please leave us now, we have matters to attend to", Scipio commanded the slaves, "but Aemilia, please stay...this also concerns you.."
Aemilia, a thin and fragile woman in her late thirties came forward and nodded humbly.
"Please sit down with us"

Iulius knew his father was to finally explain his decision now, after not having said a word on the matter on their voyage home. While Iulius' feelings were being torn apart inside his mind, he still did not think of defying his father, nor his uncle, despite the confusion and resulting loss of confidence. Anxiously he waited for his father to start and he prayed that whatever he was about to tell would make sense. So that he could totally rely on his father again like he used to, and follow him without question.
"Seventeen years ago...", he started, but immediately interrupted to take a sip of wine to scrape his throat, "...you were born, right here in this villa. Aemilia was there and helped deliver you. You already know, my son, that your birth was not an easy one. Your mother fell terribly ill and died while giving birth. You were born way too early, and you almost didn't make it either. In the last weeks of your mother's life, when she was getting worse and worse by the day, I prayed to the gods on a daily basis, so that my child would not come to any harm, and that my dear wife would get through it... They did not answer to my second prayer; just before you were born, all life left her.. Aemilia did her best to get you out alive, and she succeeded... But your life was fragile and we were still about to lose you any moment..". He took another sip of his wine and nodded to Aemilia, signalling her to continue.
In a soft and humble voice, she started telling what happened: "Your mother died and I held you in my hands master.... You were a beautiful child but your breathing was irregular and your heart was beating faintly. I felt the life slip away from you as I held you. Then, after I cut your last ties to your deceased mother... A strange birthmark formed on your tiny body, it was ring of blood surrounding your navel..... I had the shock of my life and had never seen such a thing before! It was a terrible moment!... In tears, I turned to your father to show his child was not doing well and we were about to lose you. The moment he saw you in such a condition, tears came to him as well and he fell to the floor."
Scipio picked the thread up again: "Then...in that moment of terrible grief, where I realized to have lost my wife, and was about to lose my first newborn son as well..", Scipio continued, "Ianus suddenly came to me in a vision; my first prayer got answered.... It was the brightest light I have ever seen, and his gentle voice spoke to me. I had never witnessed such a miracle before. You were a special child he said, you would be healed and spared, his only demand was, that immediately when you turn seventeen, you would go to Aegyptus, in his service. I obviously agreed immediately, terrified of losing you if I didn't."
Aemilia was moved again to tears again by these past memories: "oh... Such strange things happened at that time...I was worried sick, when your father had his vision, I had no idea what was happening to him. I could not reach him. He didn't see or hear me and was out for several minutes. When I saw a stain of blood with a circular ring around it, coming through your father's toga, I panicked and ran away, with you still in my arms. He was showing the very same wound you had around your navel! I had no idea was happened! The gods were surely messing with my mind!", she took a short pause and tried to become calm again, "Shall I get it master? To show him?",
"Yes, Aemilia, please do so....", Scipio replied.
Iulius had listened to the story with amazement and stumbled: "What is she getting father?". He silently reached under his toga and fondled the area around his navel, he knew he had always had a little circular scar there, almost undetectable. It had been there his entire life and never bothered him.
"She's getting my old toga... the bloodstain is still in there, we never washed it. It is evidence of a miracle of the gods... it was a sign of Ianus, I'm sure of it... You must realize my son, that this decision to go to Aegyptus is the will of Ianus, I would prefer to keep you here, but I made a commitment and he has a future for you in store.."
Iulius silently nodded and then his uncle spoke: "I was no witness to all of this, but your father confided the story to me the next day, he showed his wound and your birthmark to me when both were not yet healed. They are absolutely identical. This has puzzled me so much, I couldn't come to any other conclusion than that this really happened at the hands of the gods. Which is why I value the commitment your father made so much."
Aemilia soon returned with an old toga in her hands, and showed it to Iulius. He observed the stain, even though it wore off a bit in time, a solid circle in the middle, formed by the wound in his father's navel, and a circular ring surrounding it. The wounds must have been bleeding a lot to have left such a mark on the toga. His father continued the story and told him the wound healed incredibly fast, within a week, there was only a very little scar, almost undetectable to the eye. Both of them have had this scar ever since, although Iulius had never noticed his father had an identical one. His father continued explaining the mysterious events of that day, but then Iulius was suddenly overcome with an unexplicable confidence and trust, even stronger than that what he had lost earlier today. He turned to his father and interrupted him, something which was very unusual for him to do:
"Father, I will go to Aegyptus.... I will do as Ianus commanded. I will go to Aegyptus, I have no idea what awaits me there and I'm terribly scared, but I will see what comes to me...", then he added with far less confidence, "I hope I leave soon, because I'm afraid I might change my mind otherwise..."
Stunned by the determinism of his son, Scipio replied: "Tomorrow morning, a ship will set sail to Alexandria and take you there... I already made the necessary preparations..."

[Gravin]

yeah right

heb je het zelf geschreven? Ik bedoel het is wel een hele lap tekst en in het Engels

ik heb het nog niet gelezen dus nog geen commentaar

maar jou topic was zo reactieloos

Liefs Gravin

[Gravin]

sorry het is me te veel tekst

ik ben wel begonnen. Ik weet niet waarom het sci-fi is? of komt dat nog? Het lijkt me eerder zo'n verhaal uit de Griekse oudheid

[proycon]

Ja, het topic bleef inderdaad erg leeg helaas... En ik dacht nog wel slim te zijn door alleen het eerste hoofdstuk te posten en niet de eerste vijf ofzo

Het is inderdaad SciFi al blijkt dat nog niet zo uit het eerste hoofdstuk..

En ja, kheb het zelf geschreven natuurlijk...

Hopelijk heeft er nog iemand zin om het hele eerste hoofdstuk te lezen

[Nebula]

Ik wil het graag lezen, maar vandaag wordt het 'em nog niet. Morgen wellicht.

Wiew, wat lang...

Het begin vond ik leuk/goed (daarom begon ik ook met lezen). Het midden vond ik minder worden, gewoon een beetje saaier. Er gebeurd niet echt iets, maar er is ook geen sfeer die blijft hanger of zo. Als het midden wat korter zou zijn denk ik dat het fijner zou lezen. Het einde was weer beter (vanaf de ''uitleg'') maar alleen de laatste paar regels vind ik er op een of andere manier niet bij passen. Het lijkt een soort van cliffhanger of zo, het klinkt een beetje gemaakt.
Op het taalgebruik kan ik niet echt commentaar hebben omdat mijn engels nogal wat te wensen overlaat.
Wat me wel opviel is dat je soms opvallende woorden wat vaak gebruikt. Bijvoorbeeld ''commitment'' in het begin en ''great plans'' en ''future'' in +- de tiende alinea.
De inhoud vond ik verassend omdat je zei een science fiction verhaal geschreven te hebben... Voor de rest, niet zo heel bijzonder, maar orgineel genoeg om er moeite in te steken.
Ben wel benieuwd wat nou het ''science fiction'' achtige wordt, lijkt me leuker dan een verhaaltje over Romeintjes

In het midden vond ik het wat lang worden, aan het einde van het hoofdstuk werd het wat interessanter. Ik ben zelf erg benieuwd hoe je dit verhaal SciFi wordt.

Kortom: meer...

[proycon]

Bedankt voor het lezen! Het lijkt inderdaad nog niet echt scifi, maar dit is dan ook nog maar het eerste hoofdstuk

Mocht er interesse zijn dan kan ik het volgende hoofdstuk ook posten