[Verhaal] Jack and the End of the World

[SounD]

Dit is een verhaal waar ik veel positieve reacties op heb gekregen. Ik dacht misschien wat voor op dit forum. Ik schrijf altijd in engels, hoop dat dat geen probleem is.

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A summer day as any other.
Jack woke up with a strange feeling. An uneasy feeling that something was quite different. Something was not right. He had been asleep for a long time, or so it felt. Yesterday was a blur, an image of the past, vague and insignificant. Today was different. Today was important somehow. He looked around and focused on his surroundings. It was as if he was seeing the world for the first time. The sun was sharp and slowly climbing towards the heavens. The sky was wide and blue, a bit too wide and so incredibly blue that you would get dizzy if you looked at it too long. The star of the day was already hot, burning hotter than ever. The ground started to crack under its merciless rays.
Jack was feeling hungry, but also felt his stomach because of another reason. He sensed it with every move, it was clear to him with every breath he took. This strange sky and hellish sunshine was a fore bode of something big. As he grew a bit worried, Jack felt his skin dry out. The blistering heat evaporated the moisture from his once youthful, subtle skin and made it grow darker and harder, as if he was ageing rapidly. He was getting scared.. Had his vision been so narrow up till now? Now he saw things he had never seen before. Jack took in the world and he knew for sure that his time had come. It was so obvious that he could not begin to imagine why he hadn’t felt this before. He would not survive a second day. It was the end of days, the end of the world, the end of everything.
Jack tried to focus. He had to warn his friends.. But where were they? He did not recognise the ground here, or the plants or anything else.. Maybe the world was already changing, turning towards the end. He started to search frantically. He was moving so fast, it seemed he was flying over the fields he passed, looking for something or someone he knew. Nothing familiar could be seen anywhere. Maybe his friends were long gone. Maybe they had died already, but why was he spared? They did look pale and chubby when he saw them last. Unfortunately he failed to remember when that had been. There were gaps in his memory. Everything of his past was hazy so he had to find something that could help him remember. He searched for what seemed an eternity, but it led him nowhere and he had to give up. Depressed and tired he concluded that he was all alone now. No home, no friends and with the realisation there would be no future ..nothing. Was he the last one on earth?
The sun was high in the sky now. Heating up everything. This must be the longest day ever. A day that would last and last. The sun would probably become hotter and hotter still and everything would burn to a crisp. On this last day everything would end. That was the only thing Jack knew for certain. The ground was dry, there was no food and no water. Jack was so hungry.. so incredibly hungry. He needed food and fast was he to survive for just a bit longer. He had used up too much energy searching. He smelled something. A strong smell.. so strong that it seemed to hypnotise him. Lured and guided by the odour he followed the scent to its source. He was very close now for he was almost overwhelmed, soon he would know what it was that produced such a disgustingly strong smell. Strangely enough the smell made him even more hungry. There it was, the source of all the stench. He was a bit puzzled by the mound he encountered. It was a large animal of some sort. Dead. It’s rotting carcass filling the air with a wonderfully horrendous stench. He didn’t know what animal this was, only that it made him very hungry.. He was in doubt. Would he do it? He was starving and could no longer restrain himself. He started eating. He was so hungry that he actually started feasting on the meat of the dead. Was this what it had all come down to? The way he was going to spend his last day? Had he been wasting his life for this?

This was not the way. He would try to make something good of his life now that he still had a bit of time. He decided to do things he had never done before, even if no one would know him, no one would remember him, because no one existed anymore. He had to experience more of life, he owed it to himself. So he set out on a quest to give his life a bit more meaning.
Shortly after his decision he discovered something. It appeared that he was not alone after all. He saw a girl which seemed to be quite unusual. Although he did not dare to speak to her or even come close, he figured he had nothing to lose and just started walking over to her. She had a skin that reflected the light of the incinerating sun, dark and mysterious. He had never seen anything like this before, but instantly fell in love because of her breathtaking beauty. Her round head turned and she seemed to look at him with her big eyes, but her gaze was not fixed. She also took in the surroundings. Her eyes told him he was only part of everything she could get. The world seemed to belong to her and she would gently take what she wanted. This convinced him she was special.
As he got closer, she turned towards him. On the wind her lovely smell reached him as she showed him a bit of tongue and he loved her even more because of it. He started to tremble as he saw the long, amazing legs that gently moved this exotic beauty closer to him. She came closer, very close.. without uttering a single word. Yet they communicated. Words could never describe what he felt, what they felt. They moved, they danced. Closer and closer, they undulated and played for hours and it seemed as though he was made to fit her body and she was perfectly merging with his. He lost track of time and of where he was.. This state of ecstasy was something he wanted to experience forever and ever..
Unfortunately while he was resting in the shade, being quite exhausted and feeling incredibly satisfied, he did not pay enough attention to her. While he was musing and enjoying the moment, she left. She left him, without saying goodbye. The love of his life already left him! When he realised this, he was heartbroken. In disbelief he started panting and as the blood rushed to his head he nearly passed out. There he lay, grieving over the girl he wanted to spend the last hours of the world with.
After a long trail of thoughts he decided to forgive her. He figured that she probably knew the end was near for she seemed observant and smart. Instead of mourning he tried to be strong and just feel grateful for the short but wonderful time he was able to spend with her. She knew exactly what she wanted from life and she had picked him. This girl was so perfect, she must have known this was the last day. He felt honoured that she gave him a farewell present.

The sun seemed to be burning less intense now. The now orange sphere seemed to be dying. Sinking below the horizon for the last time, after giving it all for the last time. The light left the world. Now there would be darkness forever and slowly but steadily it was growing cold. Colder and colder and so very dark Jack could not see much anymore. Only little dots of light in the sky, which stretched out above him. The twinkling lights seemed to be staring down at him as where they a million watching eyes. Were they observing the end of the world, looking down on it for the last time and awaiting its imminent death? Would they be scared or amused? He didn’t know and it didn’t really matter anymore. All Jack knew was that he felt old, very old. He was a mere shadow of his former self now, all alone again and lost in the darkness. Lost and cold and stuck on an empty dying world.
Because he was freezing he was only able to move around slowly, he couldn’t do anything else.. crawling over the cold bare soil, crawling to get away.. struggling to escape the gaze of the many eyes. Clutching at straws hoping to get away from this misery and in search of a warm spot. He moved so slow, too slow.. Death was near and would come for him shortly… Its icy grip upon the scorched land would bring a darkness that would never end. He wished the girl could still have been here, he didn’t want to die alone. It got even colder and he became very thirsty. His mouth was so dry. He was struggling but could not move.. He lay on the ground and not far away there was a puddle. A reservoir of fresh water beckoning him, so close.. but he was not able to reach it.
He was cold, so cold.. There was not a single cloud in the night sky, only the eyes gazing down. They stared and pierced his body. Perforated by their sharp unworldly glances he was losing so much heat, his muscles wouldn’t even allow him to shiver.
The end was near.
His heartbeat slowed down. It felt as if his blood had thickened and the air wasn’t good enough anymore… It was too thin, or he was not breathing fast enough, he could not get enough oxygen from the air and everything went black
Black for hours or just for a moment. He didn’t know, but then.. Then he saw a light.
Faint at first but growing in intensity. The dark black slowly turned into grey, grey grew into blue. Soft blue became a white light.. pale .. so very fragile and with a sharp freshness.. Although it was beautiful in a way, the light pierced his being like a knife and he knew these were his final moments. The end of days, the end of his days..
As Jack gave in and experienced his last seconds, he reflected upon his life and he was glad of what he had achieved. He thought he had seen the end of the world and made the best of it, therefore he was happy and content. What he did not realise, was this: today was a day like any other, just a regular day. A day like many others before and a day like so many hereafter. Not the world had ended, but his world. He had made a mistake based on his tiny perception. But it didn’t matter, for he did well. In this blissful state of ignorance he was lifted up, drifting away as if leaving his body.. He floated up, never to return.
All that was left behind was the lifeless body of Jack the fly.
May he rest in peace.


(c) SounD 2002

[SounD]

Geen reacties??

Te lang om te lezen ofsow?

[Vlooienband]

Verhaal inhoudelijk:
Het verhaal is boeiend, en heeft een duidelijke rode draad. Je kan verhalen bedenken en schrijven, maar het einde is wat minder.
De laatste zin doet afbreuk aan het hele stuk, het past er niet echt bij.
Over het algemeen: leuk.

Spelling, stijl:
Je schrijft aardig, het is leuk om te lezen. Soms heb je een reekszinnen met dezelfde opbouw, waardoor ik het minder boeiend vind, zo dwaal ik af.
Als je een 'vloeiendere' zinsopbouw hebt, die doorloopt en makkelijk doorleest, voorkom je dat. Probeer dus onder andere niet al te veel zinnen achter elkaar met bijvoorbeeld onderwerp-pv-... te hebben. Wissel af.

"They did look pale and chubby when he saw them last."
Letterlijke, foute(?) vertaling.
" be no future ..nothing."
Interpunctie.

[SounD]

Bedankt voor je reactie.

De laatste regel snap ik precies van wat je bedoeld.
Is eigenlijk toegevoegd omdat mensen op 1 of andere manier toch vaak ff naar het einde kijken al.

Wat bedoel je met dezelfde opbouw..?
Zou je een voorbeeld kunnen geven, ik denk dat het voor mezelf moeilijk te zien is omdat ik het zelf geschreven heb.

>"They did look pale and chubby when he saw them last."
>Letterlijke, foute(?) vertaling.
Stuk is in het engels geschreven dus er kan niets verkeerd vertaald zijn.
Ik zie het probleem ook niet.